This week Mackenzie is the size of a sweet potato. At 18 weeks she has become amazingly mobile, passing the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing. I should be able to feel her very soon.
Monday, Joseph and I went to my weekly appointment. As always I had an ultrasound, which I look forward to every week. But this week's ultrasound nearly scared us to death! The ultrasound tech (I really should know her name we see her weekly) set the ultrasound wand on my tummy. Normally as soon as we see Mackenzie she is bouncing all over the screen. Monday she was very still and her heartbeat was at 60 bpm. I kept asking our ultrasound tech why baby wasn't moving and I could tell she was trying to discreetly keep it together. She finally excused herself and went to get our midwife. Joseph and I just looked at one another and I confirmed with him that I wasn't imagining things. "She isn't moving is she?" I asked him. My mind goes crazy and all I can think is "I'm losing my baby!" I am trying very hard to not breakdown and as I look over at Joseph I can tell he is doing the same. Tiffany (our midwife) and the tech came back in and Tiffany asks me to lay on my side. She assures us that this sort of thing happens and it's probably the way I was laying. In a couple of minutes Mackenzie's heartbeat is back up, but her movement was still slow. The tech looks at her to make sure she's okay and lets us know her heart's four chambers look good. After an appointment like that, Tiffany decides to continue our weekly visits. She wanted to set me up on biweekly visits so that I would not have to come in as often. Since I am not feeling Mackenzie on my own she decides to stick with weekly visits.
Joseph and I leave the doctor's office speechless. As we left I became more and more anxious about Mackenzie. Not being able to feel her move makes me worry more. I am so scared and feel so helpless that she is inside my tummy and I can not hold her and make everything better. All I want is for the next 20 weeks to fly by so that I can finally see her and hold her in my arms.
I am reminded everyday that my trust has to be on God. As soon as I take my eyes off of Him, anxious thoughts and fears come tumbling down on me. I can not take my eyes off of Him, I can not!
My mother in law called me tonight as she was leaving our house. She was listening to a preacher on a CD and something he said made her think of me. "Spirituality is most deeply developed in the desert." I'm in the desert, bed rest that is. What better opportunity than to seek God's face, be still, and listen to His voice.
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10