Thursday, September 3, 2009

Frozen, Floored, and Frightened

Have you ever heard God speak so clearly that it made you feel like your heart was going to beat out of your chest? This happened to me last night or should I say early this morning. On Monday night, Josiah woke up sick to his stomach and threw up a couple of times. Not a fun night for Joseph and I, but God got us through it. For those of you who know me very well, you know that I can not handle watching someone throw up or thinking that I may have to. I do not know why, but since I can remember it frightens me so much my whole body starts to shake. Because of this fear, I spend so much time worrying about washing my hands, sanitizing my kid's hands, cleaning my counters, going "Lysol crazy" (as my brother and Joseph call it), making sure my chicken is done, throwing away anything in my fridge or pantry that is expired (even if it is one day past the expiration date). I want to have control of the situation and make sure everything is clean and sanitized. Do not get me wrong, all these things are ok to do especially in the cold months, but please believe me when I say that I take it to a whole different level! I spend a lot of time worrying about what my kids touched, what I touched, did I Lysol that door knob, and many other things that would probably take me hours to tell you. This is something that I have struggled with for almost five years.

Going back to my story. After the night was over and Josiah was feeling much better I spent the next few days scared to death that the rest of us were going to be sick. I finally realized that worrying was taking away my focus on God. I did not do my quiet time and to an extent turned away from God. This was bringing me down and disturbing my relationship with the Lord. Wednesday morning I went to our women's bible study at church. We are studying the book of Esther and how it's tough being a woman. I was so excited after I left and ready to start doing our homework, but I was distracted and did not get to it. After the kids were in bed I took out the book and started to do the first days lesson, but was distracted once again. I decided to go to bed, but tossed and turned and could not sleep. Finally at about 1:30 AM, I sat up, turned on my light and took out my bible study book. I started to do day one and was almost done when I looked in the margin and it said "Don't forget to look for something of yourself within these pages." I thought to my self, my life is good right now. I do not know if I will find myself within these pages. I turned the page and started to read. Beth Moore talked about how the world we live in is not perfect and we go through troubles and tribulations because we live in a world full of sin. I am going to state the next few sentences word for word.

"Beloved, something is always wrong! I still live in the real world where I get my feelings hurt, go to funerals, get rejected, catch stomach viruses, and age overnight."

I stopped reading and my heart started beating so hard that I had to get up from my bed and go in the living room because I could not stand still. It was now 2:30 AM and I had to step outside my front door because I felt suffocated. God spoke to me in a such a personal way through this one sentence. It was as if He snapped His fingers at me and said, "Wake up and turn your eyes back on Me!!!!!! You are not in control I am!" I was so scared to keep reading and all I wanted to do was close the book, set it on my night stand and go to sleep. I was frozen, I was floored, and I was frightened. I could not go back to sleep because God was not done speaking to me. For many years worrying about germs and viruses has become my world and I know that I have to let go. I sat on my couch and struggled because I was scared that if I gave the worrying to God I was going to be sick. I sat there praying to God and had an intense conversation with Him. I was telling Him I could not let go and He was telling me I had to let go. As I write this, I am still having this conversation with the Lord and I ask everyone to pray for this. I know that it might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but this is hard for me. I am so scared to post this because only a couple of people know about this worry and fear that I have carried for years! I have sat here trying to delay me posting this and I think. Why God do I have to make this public? Let's keep this between you and me, but He is telling me I have to do this. Why??? I do not know, but I know that it is for His glory!

What is your worry or fear that is keeping your eyes from the Lord? You may not realize it because it may be something so small and insignificant. Ask God to reveal to you anything that is keeping your eyes off Him. When He reveals it or if you know what it is, then join me in letting go! It is going to be hard, but God is waiting on us to give it to Him. I picture Him siting beside me saying I am ready to take control, give it to Me, let Me deal with it. Beth Moore continued to say that this world will cause us much grief, but there is a happy ending! Yes there is!!

Dear God,
I am turning this worry and fear to you. I am letting go and I am going to live in the Miracle of the Moment.


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