January 13, 2011

Induction Day is here!!  I woke up at about 3:30 AM feeling a couple contractions on and off.  From then on I couldn't go back to sleep.  I tried to get some sleep since we would be leaving for the hospital soon, but my tummy would not quit grumbling...I was hungry!  I think I finally dozed off for a little while and then woke up at 5:00 AM, called the hospital and got the go ahead to come in.  Woohoo, it was finally here.  I was going to be holding my sweet little girl in just a few hours.  But good grief with the hunger pains!!  I got up and got dressed and ready.  I let Joseph sleep a little longer and got all of our bags out in the living room.  I woke Joseph up a little after 6:00 AM.  He pulled our car down to mom's drive way and loaded our bags.  While getting ready to go out the door, Josiah wakes up asking for Mackenzie.  We tell him we were going to "get" her today!  He's upset, but thankfully Aunt Gabby and Abui (my mom) are there to comfort him.  

We get to the hospital and we are ready to get this show going!  My nurse is super nice and we find out we both went to Brenau and I worked with her husband at Sam's Club.  Paperwork is filled out, IV is put in and we are hanging out waiting on Tiffany to come and break my water.  My nurse starts pitocin at a low drip since I was already 4-5 cm.  She goes ahead and orders my epidural and the anesthesiologist comes in not too much longer after that.  I tell her everything that went wrong with my other two epidural and she promised to do what she could to make this one a good one!  Well....it was.  She was really good about watching my blood pressure, making sure it did not drop and talked me through it.  They sat me back in the bed and I immediately started to feel my legs going numb.  I finally got a good epidural!  While they were making sure I didn't have any crazy side effects Tiffany came in ready to go.  She went ahead and broke my water and asked our nurse to check me every 30 minutes and call her with an update.  She had a feeling this was going to be pretty fast.  I figured by about 12 or 1 I would have a baby.  So as everyone was coming in and getting settled my nurse checked me and I was at 6-7cm...wow this is going pretty fast!  At that point we called Joseph, he had gone with Papa Rob to get breakfast, and tell him to come on!  He points out that my contractions are pretty intense and about 3 minutes apart and I happily answer "I can't feel a thing!"  By this point I am STARVING.  Epidurals work great on labor contractions, but not so much on hunger pains.  So next check and I am at 8cm.  Yeah...still can not feel a thing!  So the waiting continued we took a couple of pictures...well if you know our family...we took LOTS of pictures...

                                               

Waiting...

Waiting...

And finally last check 10:30 AM and I was 10cm...still could not feel ANYTHING!! We wait on Tiffany to come.  She comes in and we are ready!  She tells me to push and normally I can feel the contractions coming and know it's time to push, but this time I was like ok...  So I push....I get done pushing and say "I can't feel anything!"  She tells me to push again and I do.  Then she says "ok stop pushing."  and I think I said "stop pushing, like don't do anything...?"  She tells me to grunt and I grunt twice and she's out at 10:44 AM!  Could not believe how easy that was!  I remember thinking..."Did I just have a baby?!"  Oh, but she was beautiful!!  They laid her on my chest and I think I was still in shock of how fast and easy that had been.

6 lbs 13 oz and 20.25 inches long 

 She was finally here!  Alive and healthy and perfect, absolutely perfect...  Thank you Lord!

Look at those toes

Gorgeous

Proud Daddy and Amazing Husband

Parents of 3 kids....yikes :)

My girls... wouldn't want to share this with anyone else 

God is so good

Let me take a minute and thank my awesome midwife Tiffany!!!  She now has delivered all three of my kids.  She was so amazing during this tough journey.  Thank you Tiffany!!!  Her exact words right after I had Mackenzie were "Let's do this again next year!"  Ha!...nah... 3 is GOOD!

So there it is Mackenzie's birth story.  She's my miracle baby and after 14 weeks of bed rest, 20 ultra sounds, many scares, fears of losing her, trusting God with my entire life, learning to accept His will even when I didn't like it, she has already changed my life.  Thank you God...Thank you...

20 Ultrasounds...I think my insurance company probably hates me ha!

"For this child (Mackenzie Faith Eterno) I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition..." 1 Samuel 1:27

oh....and those hunger pains....finally gone....mmmmm....

Almost 36 Weeks

32ish Weeks...

In just 2 more days I will be 36 weeks and FINALLY full term!  On Monday and Tuesday I had some pretty intense contractions.  They were about 10-15 minutes apart, but thankfully after a full day of sitting on the recliner watching t.v. they went away.  I am still having about 2-3 an hour.  It's really gotten me a little anxious and overwhelmed because I have soooo much to do and no energy to do it.  I have bathrooms to clean, loads of laundry to finish, floors to vacuum, sweep and mop, a car to clean, bags to pack and I'm sure that I am forgetting a couple of things. Not to mention all of my baby shower gifts are still in the back of my car (almost 4 weeks later) and Mackenzie's room is no where near being finished.  I keep trying to remind myself that all of it will get done and if it does not....it's ok, but it's not calming me down!  I'm normally prepared by 36 weeks with bags packed, house spotless and then at 38 weeks I load the bags and car seat in the car...  I do not feel prepared at all... 

Ok....pity party over!  I am getting to work once I am done updating my blog :)

30 Weeks a Little Late....

Well on Monday marked 30 weeks!!!  I almost skipped this week because it's Friday and in two days I'll be 31 weeks.  But I couldn't go without telling you what we've been up to this past week.  As Mackenzie's arrival approaches and with two of my friends going into labor a month early (lucky girls....), Joseph has gone a little crazy.  Well not bad crazy, good crazy!  He is all about getting things done around the house and I love it.  This past week we finally got to work on Mackenzie's nursery.  I really wish I would have taken a before picture, but I was too embarrassed to take it and post it.  Let me tell you there was so much stuff and it was everywhere.  We used some skills we've learned from watching Hoarders (thank you Beth for introducing us to this show) and got rid of so much stuff.  Keep, donate or throw away!  Our curb was full of trash on trash pick up day.  It's a work in progress, but we got a lot done this week.

 Since we had cleared out so much stuff there was finally room to set up the crib!  Joseph put it together while Josiah and I supervised.  Joseph even let Josiah help him.  Josiah was so excited and kept telling me he wanted Mackenzie to come now!

I wanted to get a picture of the finished product and the two of them, but my battery died....

This week has been a good week.  I've perfected the pregnancy waddle and feel like my belly needs it's own zip code!  I'm 10 pounds away from what I would like to gain with this pregnancy....and feel that with the holidays coming I might be in some trouble!  My toes have become my best friends, because without them a lot of stuff would remain on the ground.  My shoes are getting a little snug.  This is a first for me because I had no swelling with my other two.  Oh and did you know that a dry nose is a symptom of pregnancy??!?  I tell ya!  Pregnancy never ceases to surprise me.  I don't like this symptom because everyone can hear me breathing!!!  So annoying.  I can no longer tie my shoes without hiking my foot up, holding my breath, squishing my tummy, and tying as fast as I can. Braxton Hicks really hurt this time around and I seem to have them more often than I did with the other two.  I am seriously down to a couple of outfits that I fit into comfortably and I just refuse to buy new maternity clothes with a couple of weeks to go!  

Although the above paragraph makes it sound like I am miserable...well I am ha!  At least my body is, but I am so excited about this baby girl!  I can not wait to hold her and have her with me, alive and healthy.  

I Have a Problem...

It never fails...at the end of my pregnancies I become "addicted" to a particular smell...  With Josiah it was Clorox Wipes the ones in the yellow container.  I remember cleaning my counters daily just so that I could smell the wipes.  With Mary Elisabeth it was Pine Sol.  I've never used Pine Sol to clean anything, but for some reason when I was pregnant with her I just wanted to smell it!!  Well I have found my sniffing pleasure with Mackenzie are you ready????  Dum dum dummmm......GAIN Laundry Detergent!!  Oh my goodness it smells so good.  Each load I put in I make sure to smell the container.  Ha ok....there you have it I'm totally wacko, but pregnancy makes you wacko sometimes.  These hormones, weird smell cravings, and everything else is just out of control!  Can you tell I'm ready to NOT be pregnant anymore???!!!!  Ahhhh just a couple of more weeks....

29 Weeks

So I have to admit my blog has been a little slow these last few days, but life has been a little crazy and this third trimester is kicking my booty.  I am constantly tired and uncomfortable.  It's so hard to get up in the morning and I am in the bed by 10 every night.  I think I would stay in the bed all day if I could.  It's ironic isn't it?  I started this pregnancy on bed rest and was ready to get out of the bed and off the couch.  Now I'm off bed rest and all I want to do is lay in the bed and rest ha!  

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday and would you believe....I am normal??!!  Glucose is normal, thyroid is normal, baby is measuring normal...I am NORMAL.  Woohoo!!!  Praise God for a Normal appointment! 

God is good all the time and all the time God is good!

28 Weeks

How can the weeks go by so fast...yet still seem to drag??? Mackenzie is pretty much just "packing on the pounds" from here on out.  I was too lazy to take a picture this week because I am currently in sweatpants and a tank top... so not photo worthy ha!  Joseph and I are hoping to get started on Mackenzie's room in the next few days.  It's currently a room full of stuff that desperately needs to be cleaned out.  We have the crib, changing table and dresser, but no room to put them up!  

In other news...I haven't heard back from the doctor's office about my thyroid test and glucose screen.  As they say "no news is good news!"  I was so nervous about my glucose test, but praise God they have not called me.  

Maggie

27 Weeks

27 Weeks!!  Only about 11 to 13 more to go, depending on if I am induced or not.  I can't believe I'm finally in my third trimester, maybe that's why I've been so exhausted the past few days.  Mackenzie is still staying active.  I think she is starting to get tight in my belly because her kicks and movements are a little more rough and more defined.  I love watching her move.  I know I've said it before, but it's my favorite thing about being pregnant. 

Today started a little earlier than normal.  Joseph woke the kids up and took them to school.  He said they both were a little hesitant because it was still dark outside.  As soon as they stepped outside sissy wanted to be carried and Josiah said, "daddy is school open?  It's still dark."  We started the day earlier because I had to be at the doctor's office at 8:30 for my appointment and Glucose Screen.  For all of you moms out there you know you have to drink the "sugary drink" and have your blood drawn an hour after you drink it.  I had a bad experience when I was pregnant with Mary Elisabeth and I was a little hesitant and nervous, but it went great.  I put my "big girl pants" on and started to chug...well really I started to sip...on a straw ha!  There were a couple of times where I had to take a few deep breaths and stop myself from running to the bathroom, but other than that I did it and an hour later was getting my blood drawn.  Please pray that I will pass!!! 

Today's appointment went wonderful!  Dr. Harrison checked the heart beat (nice and strong), went through some routine questions and then decided to go ahead with an ultrasound and check my thyroid levels.  Mackenzie is measuring a little small, she is 2.2 pounds, but nothing to worry about.  She looked great and was pretty wired...I think the "sugary drink" gave her an extra boost this morning.  We were also told that they didn't see any blood spots (PRAISE GOD!!!!) and my placenta has moved up and is out of the way for a normal vaginal delivery (PRAISE PRAISE GOD!!!!).  The placenta has been replaced with Mackenzie's head ha!  Her head is right on my cervix and she is ready to go...well not for a few more weeks, but it's nice to know she's ready...because I sure am :).

Thank you all so much for your prayers and constant encouragement.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful family, friends, and church family.  You all have been such a blessing to me and my family and I can not thank you enough.  This has been a tough road, but God has been so good and faithful. 

"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies."  Psalm 36:5

26 Weeks

I figured I would give everyone a break from my belly pictures this week ha!  I seriously feel like I gained 20 pounds and my nose is starting to grow!  This week Mackenzie is the size of an eggplant.  She is between 13.6 in to 14.8 in and between 1.5 lbs to 2.2 lbs.  Her capillaries are forming to give her that nice healthy pink glow.  She is also soaking up my antibodies and getting her immune system ready for life out in the real world.  Her precious eyes are forming and soon she will be able to blink.

Mackenzie continues to be a busy little girl.  Her movements woke me up a couple of nights ago and kept me up for about two hours.  That was so weird to me because that never happened with the other two.  I have a feeling this little one is going to keep us on our toes!  

I'm definitely getting more and more uncomfortable.  I try to not think about how much time I have left because if I do, I will become impatient.  But the aches and pains are worse....I think they are worse with every pregnancy.  I really don't know how Michelle Duggar has managed to have 19 kids.  I think if you put all of her pregnancies together she has been pregnant for 12 years of her life!!!  12 years and she's only like 42 or 43 years old.  Wow...not my cup of tea :). I love my babies all 3 of them and all 3 of them only ha!!  

25 Weeks

So this week I kind of feel like saying "are we there yet?"  Over the past week the heaviness of my tummy has set in and every day gets more and more uncomfortable.  I know, I know I still have about three months left, but I'm exhausted ha!  I am so motivated to do so much in my mind, but when it comes to putting that motivation into action I end up on the recliner with the remote in my hand.  I did get the kids playroom cleaned and organized on Saturday.  Why I chose the playroom...out of all rooms....that's the room that gets messy on a daily basis...I don't know, but when I was done it felt good :)!  A couple of months ago I got rid of a lot of old toys, I think I had about three garbage bags full.  I didn't think I'd have too much to get rid of, but I ended up with a full trash bag.  I still have to organize the closet, but other than that I'm satisfied with the outcome.

Mackenzie is still growing and continues to be active.  Josiah felt her for the first time this morning.  He keeps asking me why Mackenzie is living in my tummy and wanting to know who put her in there.  He is too cute and full of questions lately.  I continue to feel great aside from the normal aches and pains that come with pregnancy.  I am just counting down the weeks for her arrival, but first I really have to start working on the nursery and have a list of things to do!  I really need to get started...

Ok so every week since the 19th week, I've asked Joseph to take my picture.  It's alway the same thing "Joseph will you take my picture?"  "Please just one."  ok not just one because I'm already self conscious...add another extra 15 pounds and I become extremely self concious. (Did I spell that right??)  So yesterday we went through the same routine.  He takes one and of course it's not good enough so I ask him to take another.  So here are a couple of shots... I can't believe I'm actually going to post them, but they are funny.  Joseph brought out an English accent and was pretending to be a photographer....he was being too funny and I couldn't stop laughing.  In the end I think I was able to get at least one good shot!

He would not stop talking in an English accent!

Pictures by Joseph :)  Taking bookings now ha!  Love you babe!!

If I Only Had a Brain

I am seriously feeling like the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz.  During this pregnancy I've become so spacey and slow ha!  Joseph is constantly laughing at me because he will tell me something and two minutes later, I won't remember what he told me.  I remember having a little bit of  "pregnancy brain" with Josiah and Mary Elisabeth, but this time around it is much worse.  I actually feel dumb...like I have a bubble in my brain ha!  Yesterday we were picking up the kids from Sunday School Class and some of our friends were inviting us to go bowling.  I thought they meant that the kid's Sunday School Class was going bowling.  I even thought to myself (thank goodness not out loud), how can two and three year olds pick up a bowling ball and bowl?  I finally realized they were talking about OUR Sunday School Class ha!  I'm praying my brain will come back after Mackenzie is here, if not I may find myself traveling down the yellow brick road to see the Wizard of Oz!

I apologize for any past and future blog posts.....ha! I find myself reading them and thinking they make absolutely no sense, at least to me.  Maybe I should stick to pictures for the rest of the pregnancy.  All I have to say is thank goodness for spell check!

24 Weeks

Here we are at 24 weeks.  I think I have definitely "popped!"  I was looking in the mirror the other day and noticed my belly button is almost out.  I am feeling more and more "pregnant" these days.  The heartburn has set in (yuck) and my hips feel like they are going to break.  Mackenzie continues to be an active baby.  For most of the pregnancy I have felt her on my right side, but today I started to feel her across my tummy.  Her movements are becoming stronger and stronger every day.  

I had to crop the picture because I didn't realize how nasty my glass door is!  I have put it on my to do list and it WILL get cleaned tomorrow.  While taking my weekly picture the kids wanted theirs taken with Mackenzie too!  They were so sweet.  Josiah loves touching and talking to my belly.  Mary Elisabeth will point at my belly and say "baby," but then again she'll point at Joseph's belly and say "baby" too ha!  I can't wait to see them meet their little sister.  I pray everyday for a smooth transition for them.  

My Little Man

Sweet Sissy Girl

I went back to work on Wednesday.  It was so nice to finally have some adult interaction during the day.  The only downfall is that I really think I have lost my brain.  Joseph laughs at me all the time because I can not remember anything.  When I went back to work,  Outlook and the other Microsoft Office programs seemed to have been upgraded to a newer version.  Seriously it took me about twenty minutes to figure out how to print an email.  I found myself doing things slower, but aside from all of that it was a smooth week.  

23 Weeks

...and time continues to fly by!  Mackenzie is 23 weeks and the size of an ear of corn.  I went to the doctor this morning and it could not have gone any better.  I wasn't going to have an ultrasound, but as she checked Mackenzie's heartbeat, it dropped a little.  This baby does not like me laying on my back!  Either that or she just wanted her picture taken ha!  She is a busy little girl and loves the right side of my stomach.  I feel her the most around 11:30 every night.  Her kicks and movements are getting stronger everyday and I can actually see my tummy "jump."  So precious!  I can not believe this little miracle growing inside of me.  I am so thankful for her life and can not wait to hold her in my arms.  

I am feeling great.  I will return to work in the morning and will work 20 hours per week for the next four weeks.  Bleeding has not come back and after the ultrasound today my placenta is no longer covering my cervix.  It is still low lying, but they will check again in four weeks.  I can not believe I actually get a four week break from the doctor's office.  This will be the longest I will go without going to see my midwife, I'm pretty sure she was getting tired of seeing me ha!  

I am so thankful for the past almost 9 weeks.  Although I had moments of craziness, God always kept me calm.  He has provided and blessed us greatly.  God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, family, and friends who came together to help us out.  Thank you all so very much!  We could not have made it with out you all.  I will miss our Sunday breakfasts with mom and dad, unless they come a little earlier before we leave for church (hint, hint).  But I am thankful we will still have our lunch with the family on Sunday afternoons.  I will definitely miss seeing my mother in law every other day!  She is an absolute blessing!  Words can not say how unbelievably thankful I am for what she has done the past few weeks.  This afternoon when I picked up the kids from school, Josiah asked where his nonny was.  I guess he wasn't as excited to see mommy ha!  Thank you so much Charlene.  God could not have given me a better mother in law.  I am so thankful for your life and for loving me as one of your own!  Love you!!!!

Thank you Papa Rob for keeping our lawn maintained and up to par with our neighbor's yard ha!  

Well it's off to work tomorrow.  The late nights and sleeping in are no longer an option since I will be leaving the house at 7:15 in the morning....sigh....  I am just so happy!  God is so good! 

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope."

Psalm 130:5

22 Weeks

I feel like it was yesterday when I posted that I was 20 weeks.  Now I am 22 weeks and time continues to fly by!  Mackenzie is the size of a papaya.  She weighs about a pound and is between 8 to 10 inches long.  She now has eyebrows, eyelashes, and maybe even some hair on her head!  She can also perceive light and dark.  I'm slowly feeling her a little more each day.  Last night Joseph and I were able to see my tummy jump from her kicks.  

Bed rest is still awful....there are days where I just want to get in the car and get out of the house, but thankfully Joseph has been great.  The other day I looked over at him and said "honey I am soooo bored," and his response was  "I'm sorry, but at least we are doing it as a family.  We are all here and bored."  I thought that was funny and sweet of him to say.  We have definitely gotten a lot of family time and I would not trade that for nothing.

God continues to bless the locksmith business.  Friday was a great day.  Joseph and Daniel normally ride together and work, but Friday they were so busy they both had to go separate ways.  It's amazing what God has done with the business in one year.  Keep on praying!  God is working!

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."

 1 Chronicles 16:11

21 Weeks

Mackenzie is 21 weeks.  She is the size of a large banana and continues to grow each day.  I went to the doctor on Tuesday and Mackenzie is great.  After my ultrasound they said that my placenta is still a marginal placenta.  I know in a previous post I wrote how it had moved, but apparently not.  I was pretty discouraged after the appointment, but I'm still praying that it will move.  I will go back in two weeks and if everything continues to look good, they will space out my next appointment to 4 weeks.  After that I believe we will be back at every two weeks.  Time is flying!  I can not believe how fast this pregnancy is going.  I still do not feel Mackenzie's kicks as often as I would like, but I'm trying to be patient.  

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, 

we wait for it patiently." 

Romans 8:25

20 Weeks

Well we are finally half way to meeting our precious Mackenzie!  She is 20 weeks and the size of a small cantaloupe.  Where has the time gone?  Being on bed rest I am so thankful that time is moving right along!  I am so ready for the end of this journey and anxious to begin our new chapter of life as a family of five.  

I am still not feeling her as much as I would like, but she does give me a couple of "thumps" per day to let me know she is there.  

Perinatologist Appointment

Yesterday Joseph and I went to the Gainesville Perinatal Center.  It was such a calm atmosphere.  I sat in a leather recliner to have my blood pressure taken....very comfy!  They took us into the ultrasound room and we were able to see Mackenzie once again.  I think she is getting tired of everyone looking at her because she was not cooperative at all.  Her face was away from the ultrasound wand, making it impossible for us to see her cute little face.

The ultrasound tech performed a detailed check of Mackenzie.  We were able to see her her brain, heart, kidneys and other parts as well.  Their machine was a little more detailed than the one at our OBGYN.  Joseph and I were upset she didn't cooperate because we weren't able to see her little face in 3D.  Mackenzie is doing great!  All her organs are perfect, and her growth is right on schedule.

The reason we went to the Perinatal Center was to check out my hemorrhage.  We learned that the hemorrhage is not a risk to Mackenzie because it is not attached to my placenta.  That was great news!  But now for the "not so good" news.  As they did my ultrasound they found that my placenta is too close to my cervix (marginal placenta previa) and I'm at risk for pre-term labor.  Joseph asked if that meant that I could go into labor a few weeks early and her response was "she could go into labor now"....  Okay not what we wanted to hear, but they told us that my placenta could still move.  So for now we are praying that my placenta will move away from my cervix and no pre-term labor.  If that happens and the bleeding stops I can go back to my normal activities.  I'm not sure when that will be or if it will happen, but I will continue to wait on the Lord.

Up until yesterday I did not know that I was at risk for pre-term labor.  It scares me especially to know that I am only 19 weeks.  Please keep praying for us.  We still have four months to go and I am praying and believing that we will make it!

"...call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me." Psalm 50:15

19 Weeks Doctor's Appointment Update

This is our little girl, Mackenzie Eliana.  Today we went to the doctor and had our  "big" ultrasound.  They checked all of Mackenzie's organs and growth.  It all looked great.  She is perfect!  Her heartbeat was good and let me tell you this girl loves to move.  She was all over the place and I can not help but smile as I write this because I am so in love.  In the picture above she had her hand in her mouth, can you believe how amazing that is?  God is so awesome!  

Here is another picture of our baby girl.  We also had a DVD made that we can not wait to show the kids.  Mackenzie looks great and I am so thankful that she is healthy.  She weighs 10 ounces so she is almost a pound.  Let me tell you, she already has us wrapped around her little finger.  I can not wait to meet her.

As far as my status goes....the hematoma is still there.  During the ultrasound they found a new bleed as well as placenta previa.  My mid-wife went ahead and referred me to perinatologist.  We will see him on Wednesday and are praying that he will have some good news for us.  So bed rest will continue...I really hoped to see some kind of improvement, but I know God is good and it is all in His hands.  

Please continue to pray for us.  We are going into my fifth week of bed rest and fourth week without my pay check.  Joseph is exhausted and it's hard not being able to help him.  I am so blessed to have him as my husband.  Him and his mom have done so much in the past month.  Joseph gets the kids up, gets them dressed, takes them to school, works all day, picks the kids up, brings them home, and some days goes back to work.  His mom comes over after work and cooks dinner, washes clothes, cleans my house and helps Joseph get the kids ready for bed.  It is so hard watching them do all this while I sit on the couch, but I am so unbelievably thankful for them.  God has blessed us so much and has shown us that He has everything under control.  Joseph has had more work than he knows what do with (praise God!) and is constantly making new contacts for future jobs.  As every week goes by we are continually in awe of what He's doing in our lives.  

There are days when I feel discouraged and become anxious about the future, but I continue to cast my anxiety on Him.  I can not get down and I can not let myself doubt His almighty power.  Do I believe He can heal my body and make it all better?  Of course He can, but that's not His plan right now and I'm okay with that.    If all of this makes me stronger in Him and brings me closer to Him than how can I complain.  I can not take this into my own hands it has to stay in His.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  

Romans 12:12